


Neigh, Neigh Motherfucker.

by Arachnophobia



Category: Kuroko no Basuke | Kuroko's Basketball
Genre: Alternate Universe - Fantasy, Alternate Universe - Royalty, Centaur!Aomine, Elfprince!Akashi, Humor, M/M, Naiad!Kuroko
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-26
Updated: 2015-07-26
Packaged: 2018-04-11 07:37:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,039
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4426886
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Arachnophobia/pseuds/Arachnophobia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Aomine gets turned into a statue by a malevolent boob witch. Akashi has eye sex with a Naiad. Kise is Kise. </p>
<p>
  <strong>But it’s a stereotype--just like the stereotype that says all witches are batshit crazy, Naiads live to fuck, Elves are tall and can shoot arrows out of their assholes—and like a stereotype, it’s just not true.</strong>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	Neigh, Neigh Motherfucker.

**Author's Note:**

> i don't even know what this is anymore. so eeEEEhhhHHHHhhHH. haven't been on the akkr thing in a bit. glad to be back.   
> ( 1 ): formal apology to jarofclay for fucking up their centaur aomine thing, b/c that's where i got the idea frm and it just went out of control. and then proliferated wrote a centaur thing and i was so excited to write this i wanted to fuck a dragon. 
> 
> 2): you can ignore the tart porn. For ref, the apple tart i'm talking about is a triangle shaped pastry with the apple thing inside of it. 
> 
> 19): idk y the aomine x tart thing is there, but it's 3AM and i'm really tired. aomine x appletart-senpai-chan-san is otp 4 lyfe. trust me on this. 
> 
>  
> 
> 12): *SCrEAMS* I HAD ALOT OF FUN WRItING TTIHSSSSS>.I HOpE U GUYS HAVE FUN READING THIS EVEN THO ITSss TRASH IM TRASH GOODBYE.
> 
> 3)pls ignore all of the grammatical errors if u see any b/c sometimes i just forget how to english and i dont have a beta. also i have no srs knowledge on anything mythical i just make all of this shit up. 
> 
> 4) fightme

Aomine thinks that Naiads are really the most fucked up creatures to ever exist in the history of ever.

He also thinks that the daily Naiad routine went a little something like this: Fuck. Kill. Repeat.

Sex demons from banana hell, Aomine hates them but he also really, really wants to be them because all they do is have sex whole day, every day, 365 days a year.

 Fuck life for making him a centaur. 

He’s a fucking horse man, majestic, yes, but a horse man nonetheless. For Naiads, it’s either fuck or be fucked, there’s no in between. It’s Naiad life or no life. And it’s only really been a couple thousand years since society stopped accepting, ‘They looked like they would taste good,’ as an excuse for the Naiads drowning and eating people.

Aomine doesn’t know what they eat now.

Aomine doesn’t want to know what they eat now.

He’d like to keep it that way.

//

Aomine has to guard the shortest Elf prince in the history of short Elf princes, he’ll never say that to short shit’s face of course, the day he does is the day he kisses his dick goodbye, the kid’s too much of a prick to kill him.

The first thing Aomine notices is his hair. It’s so red; it reminds him of the reddest red of the color red, like the red that everyone hates because it’s so red.

Like he became a tomato and tried to change back but the metamorphosis stopped at his hair.

Tough life.

The second thing Aomine notices about him is that he’s kind of a prick. He has a mild case of stick up the ass syndrome but Aomine only sees this because he spends a non-creepy amount of time looking at him from afar.

The third thing Aomine notices is that he’s a fucking charmer. Not charmer as in witchy magic charmer but charmer as in he would totally let the short shit fuck him if he asked nicely enough. 

//

His name is Akashi Seijuro, a.k.a short shit, he’s engaged and apparently he likes to make lovey-dovey eyes at the Naiad that sometimes passes through the river running through the Imperial Garden. 

Akashi’s chambers are on the third floor of the palace and, as expected for the prince, it’s fucking huge. More importantly, Akashi spends at least an hour having eye sex with a Naiad who probably sees him as the juiciest fucking meal ever.  

They look so disgustingly in love that Aomine doesn’t have the heart to rat Akashi out to his shitlord of a father.

//

Aomine loves being in Elf territory for three reasons: 1) Elf girls, 2) Elf food, 3) Elf girls.

Their boobs aren’t really all that big, Aomine’s seen witches with boobs the size of seven small children, but Aomine + witch = dead Aomine. 

He dated a witch once, Momoi Satsuki, she turned him into statue and he stayed like that until Akashi fucking Seijuro found him and Aomine fucking _knows_ that the kid laughed at him for a solid five minutes, no matter how hard he tried to hide it.

Someone would think, that after being turned into a statue by a malevolent boob witch, rescued by an Elf prince on a white horse, and being forced to return the act of gratitude by guarding Akashi until his coronation, Aomine—a motherfucking Centaur warrior prince—would learn his lesson.

But no.    

Where there are tits, there is freedom.

Aomine shall never rest.

 

//

Akashi is so chill about his Guard, and Aomine needs to touch a boob or else he is going to die.

So he finds himself in a pool surrounded by six Elf girls with Akashi nowhere in sight because the kid seriously doesn’t give a fuck about guards and his own personal safety.

Suffice to say, Aomine gets to touch more than a boob.

//

It was a mistake.

The pool party with the hot Elf chicks was a mistake.

Leaving Akashi alone was a mistake.

Because when he finds him later that night, he finds him with the Naiad boy that wants to eat his flesh and soul.

Naiad boy is straddling him, and Aomine can’t see much in the dark, but they’re definitely making out.

That’s a tongue.

And holy fucking shit, Naiad boy lets out a moan that sounds illegal.

And Akashi’s always in his fancy-smancy prince get up, but now he’s shirtless, and Naiad boy, like any other Naiad is always naked.  

Things just get worse for Aomine when Akashi leans down to run his tongue over a nipple.

//

Kise is so fucking annoying.

Aomine gets it. It’s what fairies do in general; annoy the living fuck out of people.

But it’s a stereotype--just like the stereotype that says all witches are batshit crazy, Naiads live to fuck, Elves are tall and can shoot arrows out of their assholes—and like a stereotype, it’s just not true.

Sometimes.

Most of the time.

With the exception of Naiads.

And maybe Elves.    

But it’s like Kise sapped all of the annoyingness out of every single fairy to exist in the history of ever, bottled it inside a shit, and kept himself constipated for years.

 He’d rather shit on his toast and eat it than talk to Kise for more than five minutes.

But fairies are also full of gossip and its times like this—when he thinks that the Elf prince is going to impregnate a little Naiad boy from copious amounts of eye sex—that he remembers why he still talks to Kise.  

“What’s the deal with the Naiad Akashi keeps trying to fuck with his eyes?”

“Aominecchi!” He looks at Aomine as if he’s murdered his mother and rubbed garlic in his first cousin’s vagina.

“Okay, let me try that again; what’s the deal with Akashi trying to plant his seed of love into the Naiad’s flower pot of life?”

Kise rolls his eyes.

Not impressed.

“They’re in love Aominecchi!”

“Akashi is engaged.”

“He is.”

“Then why does he keep making sex eyes at—”

Kise is staring at him like he’s the idiot, and it all falls into place because he _is_ the idiot, “Oh.”

“Yeah. Technically, they’re not supposed see each other before the wedding, but only the servants and guards know about their rendezvous so it’s kept hush hush because everyone thinks that they’re such a cute couple I mean have you seen--”  

Aomine’s five minute mark is up and he walks out on him before he can continue.

//

“You’re not allowed to have a boyfriend until you get married.” 

Aomine’s never even dreamt of saying those words but clearly Akashi Seijuro needs a reminder to keep it in his pants.

“What are you talki—”

“You know exactly what I’m talking about. No sex before marriage. You can pass the message to Naiad boy too.” 

“Don’t you _dare_ address Tetsuya in such a disrespectful manner.”

Akashi’s eyes flash gold and the skin on his face peals away and okay. Wow. This just in, Akashi Seijuro, actual real life Elf prince, scares the living shit out of him.   Aomine’s drawn between running and crying.

It’s a thing that only some Elves can do when their magic is strong, Aomine doesn’t know what purpose it serves other than making people shit themselves, but it shouldn’t exist in this world.

“Okay. God. I’m sorry. Just—just don’t peel your fucking face off like that. That’s creepy as fuck man.”

Aomine’s only stuttered once and honestly he’s so proud of himself because he thinks that he actually pissed his pants a little.

“You brought it up on yourself, Daiki. Tetsuya is my consort and you will treat him with the utmost respect. Besides, I would never do anything to him that he didn’t want. Why, sometimes he wants it so badly, he begs for it.”

Okay. Wow. _Wow._ Aomine certainly didn’t need to know that. Thanks, No Thanks. And now his brain is imagining it, he can’t stop and it’s painful.

Akashi smirks and Aomine dies.

//

 

Shit takes a turn for the worst when Akashi’s father leaves for four week and rule of the kingdom is transferred to Akashi.

Aomine’s never seen the kid this genuinely happy, but if sitting around a table for four hours every day listening to old _dicks_ talk their _heads_ off is what toots his horn, then who is Aomine to judge.

Short shit’s daddy dearest is supposed to return in four weeks, on the day of Akashi’s wedding. But maybe that’s what has Akashi smiling like a six year old in a fucking candy shop.

 Maybe.    

//

With the prince in such high spirits, the palace seems to get an instant…palace-lift?

Like a face-lift, but for a palace.

Yeah.

Aomine’s a literary genius. 

Whatever.

But the drapes, (that were a really, really nasty shade of tacky red in Aomine’s opinion. Like someone actually watched those things and said, _yeah, this is totally an okay color_. ) are replaced with nicer, off-white ones with gold accents.

It reminds Aomine of an egg.

A really nice egg.

 And the carpets— _talk_ about the fucking carpets—go from a hard black, to a soft, fluffy golden brown. 

Like a piece of toast.

Soft toast.

It’s like toast that was made out of baby skin with how soft it is.

No.

Okay, that’s gross. Toast that’s made out of baby skin is definitely not a good idea— _ever_ —but the point is that the carpets are soft.

Like.

Really soft.

Fuck it.

Aomine wants to fuck the carpets.

And have soft carpet babies.

He’s no fashion critique but the palace looks and feels like a majestic fucking eagle. If anyone has ever forgotten just how rich the Elves are, this is a sure reminder because talk about drap to fab.

And Aomine needs to stop with the décor talk because now he’s sounding like a fairy in his inner monologue. 

The palace is just so much more alive under Akashi’s rule.

Like an Elf palace should be.

There are Elves making merry in the dining halls at night, at dusk and at dawn. (Okay, so although night is like the same thing as dusk???but it totally sounds way more cooler to say at night, at dusk and at dawn so whatever) There’s just so much happiness that it warms Aomine’s heart to see what Akashi does to his people.  

Servants stop by to offer him apple tarts and scones and Aomine feel like a fucking God.

//

Aomine’s such a slut for apple tarts.

And Akashi knows it.

He uses his weakness against him.

Shows up with a plate of apple tarts and disappears while Aomine’s eating.

Aomine doesn’t even bother to look for him.

He already knows where he is. In the garden. With his consort that he isn’t supposed to be seeing.

Aomine knows he should care, he really should. But the way the light hits those apple tarts, their slick juices dripping from their golden brown holes; it gets to him.

He readily laps it up, sticking his tongue into a hole, hungry for more.

He runs a slick, hot tongue along their glazed backs, teasing himself with the taste.

Nips along their pointed edges while his fingers thrust into their holes, scooping out more of their slick.

The maids and cooks stare at him as if he’s shoving glass shards up his asshole.

//

“Are you enjoying the new atmosphere?”

It’s the first time Aomine sees Akashi with his crown on and the fact that he’s wearing white and gold, while riding a white horse, among a garden full of white roses and white lilies only brings only serves to bring out just how smooth Akashi looks.

“I’m quite surprised, actually. I didn’t think you had it in you.”

“I was raised to rule. My father is ignorant and I know my people. I know what makes them happy.”

Aomine’s about to say something but he sees a head of blue pop out of the stream next to them.

It’s the Naiad boy, because who else would it be.

Not the fucking tooth fairy; that’s who (because Aomine broke up with her last month talk about drama queen)

He’s never seen the boy up close before and all words die on his tongue. Because—because, the boy is beautiful.

Webbed fingers, pointed ears, wet blue hair matted to his forehead. Aomine doesn’t know where to start.

His eyes.

His eyes are perfect.

Fucking huge crystal blue eyes, Aomine thinks that they should be in a gallery somewhere for the world to view or some shit like that, but the point is that they’re really, really pretty.

There’s water trailing down his lips—his perfect pink lips—accumulating in his clavicle and—

Holy shit.

_Holy shit._

Aomine must’ve died and gone to Naiad sex heaven a.k.a sex demon banana hell because there are blue gemstones dotting the boy’s shoulders.

They protrude from his skin and they look almost painful but Aomine can’t tear his eyes away.

All he can think about is how well they complement his hair and eyes. 

Just how perfect he looks when the sun catches his eyes and the gemstones in his shoulders go sparkle sparkle.

He smiles and waves at Akashi, who waves back with the most loving and gentle expression Aomine’s ever seen in his entire life and holy shit again because the boy’s finger nails are made out of the same blue gemstones that are scattered about his shoulders and wow Aomine can die happy now.

Aomine’s sure he looks like an idiot right now, with his mouth open and his eyes bulging, but the both of the thankfully ignore him in favor of flirting and having intense eye sex from a distance. 

Naiad boy blows a kiss to Akashi and Akashi pretends to catch it and tuck it into his breast pocket.

The entire thing makes Aomine want to vomit sunshine dust and rainbows.

//

It’s only three days later when Aomine finds Naiad boy sitting on the bank of a lake in the Imperial Garden.

Aomine’s looking for Akashi fucking Seijuro, because the piece of shit is like waldo, easy to lose and impossible to find. Akashi’s going to get himself kidnaped and then it’s Aomine who’ll be executed for being a shitty guard.

The bank of the lake Naiad boy is sitting on is man-made and takes a steep drop at a sharp 90 degree angle; it’s more like a pool. 

Just when Aomine’s ready to get over his Naiad hate, he catches the little shit trying to fucking drown Akashi motherfucking Seijuro in the lake.

He’s pushing Akashi’s head down into the water, but Akashi isn’t putting up much of a fight. He’s probably already dead.

Aomine’s ready to rumble, ready to do his centaur thing, ready to fucking fight because there is no way in banana sex hell is Akashi going to die. At least not when Aomine’s responsible for his protection, when—

“S-stop.”

It comes out as a whimper. So soft and obviously not directed at him. Aomine stands down and does a double take of the entire situation.

Naiad boy’s eyes are half lidded, most likely from the evil pleasure all Naiads get from drowning people.

There’s a high flush on his cheeks that goes all the way to his ears and paints his chest a blossoming red, most likely from the even eviler pleasure of fantasizing about what a juicy meal an Elf prince would make.

His tiny hands are gripping Akashi’s hair, most likely to evilly drown him.

His legs are parted with Akashi’s head in-between them, Aomine’s 99.9% sure that has something evil about it.  

It’s only when Akashi resurfaces and Aomine gets a look at the boy’s hardened cock and—

Oh.

_Oh._

//

Five days later, Aomine is ambushed by a group of rabid maids with huge boobs and Kise.

They shove tarts and apple scones into his mouth and do everything but bathe him in wine.

Aomine may be stupid at times, but he knows that they’re trying to distract him, so he pretends to go along with it and says nothing when he sees Akashi carrying Naiad boy, bridal style, up the staircase.

//

Aomine finds the boy in Akashi’s bedchambers in the morning.

In his bed.

The boy has clearly been awake for some time now, given how alert he is to Aomine’s presence.

The only thing missing from the picture is Akashi himself.

And wow t Akashi must either trust Aomine with his consort’s life or be a complete idiot for leaving Naiad boy unattended because this is obviously the scene where the villain has his way with the Prince’s Consort (and the boy is a pretty little thing). 

Naiad boy looks as if he knows this and Aomine feels like an asshole for making the boy so uncomfortable because he honestly looks as if he’s biting down a scream.

“So, um, where’s His Highness?”

The boy—Tetsuya, now—looks at him as if he just threatened to kill him.

“Seijuro went to get me breakfast, he’ll be back shortly.”

Aomine nods. He’s never heard anyone call Akashi by his first name.

Tetsuya is afraid of Aomine. That much is obvious. So Aomine tries to play it kool, “I—I, uh, can give you a tour of the place—if you want, that is.”

“I can’t walk.”

He blurts it out so fast that Aomine almost didn’t hear it.

But he does and he honestly can’t believe it.

Akashi fucked the boy so hard that—

“It’s not what you think. I just—I never learned how to…”

He trails off at the end and Aomine doesn’t know whether to be relived or go back to his initial state of disbelief or what, “Are you serious? Because I’ve got four whole legs and it’d be no problem to teach you.”

Tetsuya smiles at that.

//

On the day of their wedding, Akashi and Tetsuya seal it with a kiss that’s way too inappropriate for a crowd to be witnessing  and Aomine thinks that he might actually go blind.

He has no doubt in his mind that they’ll make great Kings.

**Author's Note:**

> comMENTS KUDOS AND CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM ARE WELCOMED BUT NOT tttOO CONSTRUCTIVE WITH THE CRITICISM B/C I CRY VERY EASILY DONT TEST ME B/C I WILL CRY ALL OVER U AND IT WILL BE EMBARRASSING FOR THE BOT OF US> THANKS FOR READING THIS!!!!!


End file.
